David Schwimmer and his House Plant

David Schwimmer and his House Plant

(image credit - HuffPost)

David and his wife split in 2017, but he still gets the occasional grief-stricken pang and ache when he thinks about his ex-wife Zoe. They were married for 7 years and had a kid together after all. Cute Cleo Schwimmer. He was laying on the couch last Saturday. All alone. Zoe had the kid for the weekend. He thought about downloading Raya or Tinder. "I'm David mf Schwimmer" he told himself.

He picked up his phone and opened up the App store, but he couldn't do it. "I can't. I'm not in the mood anymore. I have to be a well oiled machine before I download those silly apps". He got up and instead grabbed a beer from the fridge. He had the channel on TBS as they were airing old Friends episodes.

Three hours, 7 beers and 5 shots later...

"Did you say something?" David gasped as the Jade plant stayed still. "I kno...kno...know you said something". "Did you just say your name was Zoe?" David fell off the couch onto his back. He may have broken his back on the hardwood floor but he was in shock that his plant was talking to him.

Or so he thought. "SAY SOMETHING ELSE".

The plant didn't speak.

David gasped in pain as he kept rolling around the floor thinking it would allieavte some of the pain. "Say something please. I'm begging you". "Please". "I'm dying I think". "My back is broken". "Call 911". "PLEASE ZOE". "I'M BEGGING YOU". "CALL THE DAMN AMBULANCE". "I'M DAVID SCHWIMMER".

The plant didn't speak.

David threw up before passing out on the floor.

A few hours later he was awoken by something. He slowly opened his eyes...

The plant had moved near him somehow before whispering in his ear, "You did hear me talk". The plant had a knife in it's pot somehow now as well. "I didn't want to do this Mr. Schwimmer. But it's well known in the plant world that Jade Plants are Satan's plants and my quota is running low for the year so far. This is just business". David gasped. "Wh..wha...". "I'm dreaming...." "I have to be dreaming".

"Goodnight, David."